One week in Heaven

It has now been one week since Jaston was brought into this world; one week since he met our Creator and 6 days since we had to say our last good-byes.   The days and nights are starting to run together now.  I feel as if each day becomes a little easier to wake up to but each day the emptiness in my heart is still there.  There is a hole that I want filled with the sounds of Jaston crying, the joys of watching his first steps, the moments of comforting him when he is hurting.  I want to share something with you that I wrote earlier in my pregnancy when we were faced with the possibility of delivering him around 25weeks:

God gave us a gift so special and small.

He gave us you, the best blessing of all.

How perfect you are from your head to your toes,

With teeny tiny fingers and cute little button nose.

A beautiful boy sent down from above

To have and to hold, to cherish and love.

From the beginning you’ve built a place in our hearts;

A place that will keep you close and not far.

We love you so much we hope that you know,

We truly desired to watch you learn and to grow.

To see your first steps, to walk and to talk

are all wonderful things we all had sought.

But God has a better plan, one we think you will like.

For He wants you in Heaven to ride your first bike.

How amazing and bright we’re sure it will be

And how fun for you that you’ll get to see!

Don’t be afraid, we will join you some day,

And gleefully dance alongside you in Heaven’s parade.

Until the time we can meet again,

We pray that the Lord protects you with His right hand.

We are thankful for the time that we shared

And know we can reach you through endless prayer.

It’s now time for us to depart

But please know you will live on forever in our hearts.

Though Jaston may not be here in his flesh, he is here spiritually.  Something I didn’t share in my previous post was that I believe Jaston’s spirit was with us for a couple hours after his birth.  Although his body was “lifeless” I felt his presence all around me.  At one point Anberlin stared out the window of our hospital room, as she held onto Jaston in my hospital bed, but I couldn’t grab her attention.   I attempted to snap my fingers by her face and pressed on her shoulder but she didn’t have an immediate response.  Then she smiled and had a small giggle and said “haha, baby Jaston” and looked away from the window. 

Every day the sun has been shining and I can’t help but be thankful for another beautiful day with my family.  Every morning I wake up and say “good morning” to Jaston and every evening I say “good night.”  I tell him how much I love him and I pray to the Lord that He will guide me in living an honorable and faithfully fulfilling life.  Landen told me this morning that he loved baby “Jaspin” and that he was an angel.  I asked him where he heard Jaston was an angel and he said “he just knows” and then he walked away.  Children are a gift from God and I have been very blessed to have 4, well 5 if you include the unborn infant we lost around 10 weeks and 4days.  Today my goal is to look at some pictures of our little messenger boy to share with my amazing family and friends.  I also need to contact Chaplain Bill and begin to compose an obituary of my little man as well as begin planning a date for a memorial service.  Please pray for comfort to get through this day.

Random thoughts today:

1.       Soon this IV poke on my L arm will heal and that will just be another turned page in the book of Jaston.

2.       Words that mean messenger in different languages

3.       Designing a tattoo with angel wings wrapped around either Jaston’s foot print or birth symbol or birth flower.

4.       When I see otherr mothers I am not mad nor do I think they are lucky. I am not jealous of them. I just hope they know and understand how blessed they are and how it is a true miracle to carry the life of a child in their womb. When I see a newborn, I'm a bit naive (I think that's the word I want to use) right now. I don't think they are cute, I keep searching for a baby that looks like Jaston, he was perfect and will always be perfect.  He is my angel, my little messenger boy.

Today’s Devotional:

RELAX IN MY EVERLASTING ARMS.  Your weakness is an opportunity to grow strong in awareness of My Almighty Presence. When your energy fails you, do not look inward and lament the lack you find there. Look to Me and My sufficiency; rejoice in My radiant riches that are abundantly available to help you.

Go gently through this day, leaning on Me and enjoying My Presence.  Thank Me for your neediness, which is building trust-bonds between us.  If you look back on your journey thus far, you can see that days of extreme weakness have been some of your most precious times.(How true this is).  Memories of these days are richly interwoven with golden strands of My intimate Presence.  This devotion could not have fit better for this day. Wow!  Open your heart, and He will speak to you.

                Deuteronomy 33:27; Psalm 27:13-14, from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

On a side note, I have had requests for my address and I am not sure the best way to send this information out so if you would like it please email me at tabitha_dawson@hotmail.com and I will reply back with it.  Thanks for your thoughts, condolences, and prayers during this difficult time.