No one can truly understand the hurt and pain that someone goes through when they lose a child….an infant whose life was all too short. Not one person grieves the same. Sure there are similarities but there is only one person who truly understands the hurt, the sorrow, the pain, the grief and He’s the Creator of all things. The world we know is not the world that God created, no, this world is a cry for help…a cry for guidance…a cry for forgiveness…a cry for someone, something greater than we can comprehend. This world is full of temptations, lust, despair and many other undesirable situations but God never intended for our lives to be painful and full of disgrace. He wants us to surrender to Him, thank Him for everything, no matter the circumstance, and in ALL situations have faith in Him. But tonight I am having a horrible time with this….I cannot do anything to hold my son again. Yes, I know that living a righteous life will one day allow my son and I to meet again but that is not what I want to hear right now…that is not a good enough answer for me right now. My selfish being wants him here, in flesh, to smell, to hold, to sing to, to have lying against my skin so I can feel each breath he takes and hear each sound he makes. No matter how loud I scream, no matter how much I cry, no matter how long I hold my breath, I will never experience this with him here on earth. I try and tell myself that this was not Jaston’s life, he was never meant to see the horrible things that happen in this world and I am thankful that The Lord “saved” him from all this grief and despair but I cannot understand why I am telling myself these things. Why can’t I just ask “why?” Is it okay that I am asking “why?” Was I not a good enough mother to hold Jaston longer than 40weeks and 3days? Had I been allowed more time with my son would I have taken his life for granted and not really seen the value in every infant, child, or adult’s life? People think that I am “okay” and have a “great outlook on things” considering what I have been through but this is not completely true. I only wish they could see how bad I am hurting. I try but no matter how hard I try the hurt is still there, no matter how much of a “mask” I put on the pain and sorrow I feel will not go away. I WANT MY SON BACK!!!!! Lord, why must I feel this way? Why must I cry and still feel no relief? My son was beautiful; my son was a true blessing; Lord I wanted more time with him, why did you have to take him from me? Lord please cradle my heart in your hands tonight, Lord please bring me peace tonight. Lord do not allow me to forget about Jaston and the spiritual warrior he was. Lord help me to find peace and joy this holiday season. Help me Lord to remember the true meaning of Christmas. Help me to teach my children the true meaning of Christmas. Lord I want them to know You, I want them to praise You…I want to praise You, but I need your guidance, I need Your strength because right now I am falling and I am having a hard time walking through each day. I am having a hard time breathing without wanting to scream and cry. Lord please give Jaston the biggest hug and kiss you can give him and tell him it’s from his mommy and that I am thinking about him. Jaston, I love you.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. Revelations 21:4